Please excuse me. But I believe I’m falling for you.

But please, relieve me of future misery by telling me in advance that nothing good will come to my endeavor as I try to discover you and get under your skin to get past all the physical. Don’t let me fall for you if your not willing to catch me and please, do say if you won’t. Don’t let me fall to my knees only to have me begging please and losing my humility in the process. I don’t fall much but when I do it’s always hard. But when I do it’s always harder then bed rock. It’s harder than hard headed. It’s harder than the concrete you step on. It’s harder than that breath you try to take as you suffocate. And it’s harder than that ring that one day I’d be determined to put on your finger. And please don’t be scared that I’m that committed to our relationship to look that far ahead, but do you not think so far ahead. Because I’ve been thinking about forever or never. Because we either make it or break it, married or broken, together or apart. I’m either your boyfriend or not. I don’t want to settle for a best friend because I’d know I’d be dying, knowing I’m second best.

Now please. Knowing my feelings now, please tell me if I should continue or not. Because I don’t want to fall for someone that isn’t willing to catch me.

Alot of people believe that their personality complies with their zodiac sign and although it may be true I’d rather you find out yourself. Whether we are compatible or not shouldn’t be determined by one or another’s sign but more of if our mental and emotional capacity can handle each others. This goes hand in hand with judging off the past. Or maybe even our last. Or our first. Or if her hymen is broken or if his v-card is lost. Or if his hair leans this way and mine leans that way.

Relationships are acceptance of another’s flaw. Along with love to top it all off. Don’t determine your compatibility over one thing that bugs you a litte. Because you won’t ever find the person that matches your dream mate 100%.

Pushed down the line by the persuasion of others. People have my generosity by the neck and decide to take advantage. Driven by the curiosity of how far I will go to please there needs but honestly I’m here suffering because my wants and needs are never fulfilled in return. Good samaritains don’t ask for anything but I believe in at least a balance between the two. I’m not asking for anything from you but I ask that one day you return the favor unexpectedly and unintentional toward my help to you.

To put it in simpler words I feel like I’m getting used and theres no one to thank me. Makes me want to hide all this generosity so it cannot be seen. Yet I can’t help but want to help them all because of my religious teachings. I guess I’ll just have to live with it and stop complaining.

Digging through the girls and settling with the dirtiest because I’m a hopeless romantic. Can’t help but just settling because I’m tired of waiting. Debating whether to wait for the next girl or settle with the girl with her legs wide open begging for someone to be in between them. Patience has me going crazy I might just lose it. Taking time seems useless because all I want is a girl to call mine and someone to love in return. 

I need to learn to wait for the girls to come to me but I’m still naive. I don’t listen to my mistakes, I just push them off to the side to deal with later. But she might not be there later. 

Hopping from one girl to the next because this one doesn’t satisfy my needs or I don’t satisfy hers. So maybe one night I’ll just plan to get drunk and hook up with some random as chick to satisfy my urge.

I can’t help myself. I’m just a hopeless romantic. Wanting someone that wnats me back, but caring less for if its love or lust.

Confused if you’re even interested at all anymore because if you were I’d definitely fall back a few months to fall back into love with you. Just say the word and I’ll do so. I’ve always been told to move on from the past and never look back but something keeps holding me back. But now I feel like its one way or the other at this point. The point of no return. Make or break. I just wish I wasn’t the only one trying to figure out if any of this will work or not or try to find out if you’re willing to make it work.

Would you mind being the start to my new beginning. My penut butter to my jelly. Jam out with me to our song and all that sappy lovey dovey stuff that all couples do? I’m not experienced with love but what movies portray it as, I picture it going a little something like this.

We’d wake up one day, not knowing one another, going about our day, minding our own business. I get to school and walk around like a normal loner does. Ear buds blasting music. Head down. Back arched. Not a care in the world. I turn a corner and bump into you and your books fall. I reach for them and look up. And there you are. Beauty and all. We start chatting, finding out we have so much in common. We start to date. We end up married. And sometime in our midlife crisis we start to resemble some family sitcom. Then we grow old. And me, hoping I die a day earlier than you, so that I’d never live a day without you, ends life. And so do you.

But life isn’t a movie so I guess thats no option. I just kinda wish everything was that easy.

But its not.

I tend to hide a lot of things from people.

I’m sure that if you saw all the feelings, opinions, and thoughts that I bottle inside me you wouldn’t talk to me kindly. Let alone look at me. I’d be a disgrace of the human race. Shunned by close friends and relatives that thought they knew me. Wouldn’t have the reputation I have now if I let my thoughts run wild. 

But then again, I wouldn’t be the man I am today. Knowing manners and how to work with the general public. Be seen as a good person, talk and breathe like one. To me its all an act to you its reality.

I’d rather walk around with this mask over my face rather than be me. Because I’m sure no one would want to know me or even be me.

Questionable actions makes me feel like this world is made of plastic. Nothings real and genuine anymore because the truth is never heard or made. Assumptions are thought to be real but really isn’t. Nothing is said by word of mouth anymore is true, they’re all just rumors. Facecbook chats and text messages hide the feeling behind each message. So emotions are never transmitted. Fake personalities cause unfathomable casualties that leave the victim in a transe. Letting them believe its all real but it all isn’t. What he or she used to believe was all lies. Base relationships off weak foundations so nothing can last long. Its all just lust but we lie to ourselves and tell us its not. Infatuated with aesthetics but never the personality so all the good people are left in the dirt to rot into the general public that believes in beauty on the outside rather the inside.

The few left that are genuine and real are starting to disappear because everyone around them is making them endangered. Makes me wonder where the rest of them are because I won’t settle for anyone else.

arthurjames:

As I walk through my school I can’t help but over hear what I don’t want to hear.

Fake girls talking about how the dude over there is cute but they only care about the physical. He’s got tatts, gauges and a snapback on and he believes he’s got his ‘swag’ on but he’s just a mirror image of some other dude. I hear talk of tattoos in the room and they’re saying what would look cool rather than what would it mean to you. 20 years sure its going to sag but you shouldn’t care. Its not for others to gaze upon its for you to remember why you got it. At least have a story behind it and don’t get a pointless koi fish or rose bush. I hear the talk of cars and who’s goes faster and who’s is lower when in this economy wouldn’t you want something that saves you gas rather than filling up every other day? Dudes these days only care about performance rather than gas milage so complain to them when there isn’t any gas left. I’m only stating whats best. I get facebook invites to swungtions and parties and I can’t help but say I have something better to do that get wasted, hook up, and not remember a thing. Waking up with a huge ass headache is not where I want to be. Dry sex on the dance floor is what swanging looks like to me. But I’d rather not say anything to that because time to time, I wouldn’t mind a girls ass on me just for fun. But not every. freaking. day.

The youth these days seem so mindless to me. And its weird to say that I am part of it all, but I am. Just not following the trends.

Just completely relevant since I had to listen to the same dumbass broads that sit next to me in math. I just wanna turn around and be like “YOU’RE SO AWESOME! NOW SHUT UP AND LET ME DO MY WORK.”

When friends ask I can’t help but say ‘She’s just a friend’ because I’m afraid to say its anything more. And sometimes it probably isn’t, but it makes me think.

What if I do end up liking you? Or what if we do end up dating? Or even married? Would we hit it off on the first date? Do we have things in common for us to like eachother? Or is it the differences that attract us? 

I try to look at you in a different point of view. Of not just a friend but maybe something more. Because you really never know if the love of your life is just right in front of you, so try to get to know everyone around you.

I take a minute to think that and I just deny it all, in fear of rejection. And I just move along with life.

Contemplating suicide.

But please at least take the time to realize that there are people that care for you. That devastation awaits after your last breath is taken. That friends and family will fall to their knees in tears. That people you never knew that well or even at all will attend your funeral. Sobbing their eyes out, praying to God that this isn’t real, that this isn’t real. This isn’t real. Repeat. Over and over again. Please tell me your listening when I say that I care for you. They care for you. We care for you. And we will be there for you.

Just remember that we are all a phone call away. And we would all be willing to take your hand, look you in your eyes and say ‘I’m here for you’.

Things will be worse before it gets better and just remember that your Father, our God wouldn’t put you through things you couldn’t handle. Remember. That we care when no one didn’t.

Sometimes, I feel as if I was born in the wrong family. The wrong place. The wrong time. Every little thing I do is wrong. I try to do my best, I’m wrong. Keep your head up, still wrong. Wrong wrong wrong wrong. Wrong. Basics I can’t get right. I try to do right I make a left. What’s left of my heart is nothing. Appreciation to my parents is something but is never showed. I feel like the child they never wanted but oh well.

They point out all the wrongs about me I feel like I’m not their son. Or atleast, not the son they wanted.

Temptations have me by the neck and won’t put me down. Sooner or later its going to break my patience. One of these days I’m going to give up trying to find the special girl and give it away to someone else less important. But I want to save it for someone worthwhile.

I need to find a place to rid these emotions but I always find myself falling into sin. Starting to drift away from what I believed in.

Emotionally exhausted. My limits reached and exceeded. I just need a break where no one will ask about my troubles or cause them. Possibly sometime soon before I go mentally ill. ‘Deal with it’ is what everyone says but it doesn’t work like that. Wishing I was in a world where no feelings were attached. Girls are the least of my troubles at the moment because I’ve got my eyes set on the prize but what troubles me is family. Pressure is on as its my senior year. SAT scores and report cards and college apps. Not to mention lack of trust since my past keeps haunting me. Alcohol and kush are off my todo list but my parents won’t believe me. Theft is assumed to me but it never is. Someone loses money and they all blame me. A cigarette butt in the driveway and its supposedly mine but they never understand that all of that was my past time. I never even touched a cig to begin with.

Stress is overwhelming me and its surprising to see its not school but its home. I feel like the fuck-up child and my sister is the star. I minus as will sit in the darkest corner in the world and stay there. Ceasing to exist.

Sticks and stones will break my bones but almost anything will shatter my soul.

I bruise like a banana so I’m labeled fragile. Afraid of risking friendships so I keep my love notes in a stacked pile in the back of my closet. Feelings have been battered and tossed around like a game of hacky sack since the girls I go for never let me down gently. Help me. Listen to my vents as I try to put my problem in words but the only thing that comes out are tears and mumbles. So I leave my venting to my poetry since it seems like the only thing out there that helps me get over past exs and past flings. People say I can’t hurt over things I never had but I can. Constant emotions in my body are depressed and sad but never mad. Frustrated at the most but at myself. Always said that I’d never do this again but I never catch myself. Always chasing top shelf girls while I’m on the bottom. But I like to believe we are all on the same level no matter what you say. People keep telling me love isn’t something you find its something that comes to and you need patience for it to do so but I’ve been waiting 16 years and never experienced a single drop of love.

Something tells me that I’ve found her but she doesn’t bother to listen. Or maybe she just doesn’t want it. Whatever. I’d rather her tell me to stop trying. And until then I’ll just keep trying.